I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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