Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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