I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
false alarm. still invincible.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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