we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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