can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
