dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
