Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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