so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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