im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
