you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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