dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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