dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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