You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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