She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
