I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
