I showed him my bush... on skype.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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