he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
