My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize