Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So vagazzling was a success
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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