one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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