I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Four minutes until I can fart!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
