Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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