end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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