the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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