I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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