I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
