Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
