i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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