I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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