***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
