you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
