I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
