2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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