i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
it glows. i had to have it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
