dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
