Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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