Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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