your parents love me but you hate me
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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