grandma shit on top of the toilet
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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