i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
