what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
