when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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