I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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