I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
