True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
