My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
