wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize