please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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