dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
