Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
