Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
