all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
