Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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