Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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