you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
