Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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