Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
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